Living by Your Own Rules

Is not the same as breaking the rule of law.

We are living in a sudden and strange time.

The example set to the world by America is one of law-breaking authoritarianism.

Democracies depend on a rules-based system. Such systems are flawed, they fail, they can be weak, they can be prey to corruption, waste, and pettiness. Yet, they are the least worst.

When Trump declared that the last election had been stolen, we should have known that all inconvenient truths would be dismissed as lies, once he was back in power.

I watched him at the funeral of Pope Francis. The vain man who demanded a front row seat, while other Heads of State and royalty accepted the Vatican seating, not arbitrary, but like everything at the Vatican, done according to its own protocol. And there he was, couldn’t even show respect by following the dress-code. Can’t he afford a black suit? but Trump always wears a blue suit, and this was a mid-blue suit, designed to make the vain man obvious in the crowds. A mark of his disrespect. The authoritarian leader who disregards any rule. Rules are for little people.

What does the Trump example suggest to the rest of us, if we take the view that everyone, even a man like him, has something to teach us?

My feelings on this are three-fold.

1. We obey the law until we can’t. More on this later.

2. We think about the balance between conforming - so that we can all live in a civilised and safe society - and recognising that we need to think for ourselves, act for ourselves, manage our lives so that we have some autonomy and self-respect.

3. Watch for authoritarianism in ourselves. At home, at work, in any sphere of influence we have, and also, in how we treat ourselves.

I don’t suggest to anyone that they obey the law slavishly. As adults we need to understand why the laws of our land are what they are, and what they are for. And that is something that we need to explain to our children and to our students. No-one is born law-abiding. Quite the opposite. The baby is a screaming tyrant. Toddlers see no reason why I Want may not translate into I Get. Gimme Greenland Now!

In fact, and Freud talks about this extensively in Civilisation and Its Discontents, we can’t live like small children, or like pioneer frontier-folks, where the law doesn’t apply because we are our own law. To live together as adults we need rules. Rules require consequences for breaking those rules. And we all know that in the modern world, right-wing governments, or if you live in the UK, a self-styled socialist government, that really is the opposite, tell us that bonfires of regulations are all that is necessary to unleash economic prosperity and human progress. There is always a tension between individual freedom and societal constraint. Do we ever get the balance right? I guess not. And I wish we had more intelligent conversations about the need for a balance, and the inevitability of getting it wrong.

But all this is to say that while we can sigh and shake our heads over various annoying constraints, we have to be careful about ripping up rules. We all agree that murder and robbery isn’t a good look. The more entrepreneurial among us may be happy to work 70 hour weeks, but we are not a gold standard. That has to be a personal choice. Sweeping away labour-hours and holidays, the kind of thing Musk is doing, is wrong for the lives of most people. Working more hours does not make most people more productive, and it discriminates against women, who always hold the household together, after hours. It’s good to be aware of history too. How did workplace rules come into being in the first place? What conditions did they address? When we teach our young people history, it is first and foremost, the history that explains their lives now. That matters. It is the kind of history Trump and co want to see erased from American museums. Lawlessness. White Supremacy. Race. The Civil Rights movement. How women got the vote… and these struggles to change society usually do involve what can be called ‘lawlessness’, and increasingly is lawlessness, as demonstrations and protests are banned. As free speech is not allowed but hate speech is fine.

So there are times when anyone with a conscience will end up breaking the ‘law’.

To know when to act, it is necessary to know why we do not act - most of the time. Anarchy isn’t the answer.

In our own lives, we have more leeway than we think. You don’t have to conform. You don’t have to obey. There are other rules - not the law - but social pressure. The way we learn how we should behave - so that we will advance ourselves, so that people will like us. This is especially hard on young girls. Social media has exploited this anxiety with all the ruthlessness of a hard-drugs gang. Flooding the streets with crack-cocaine wouldn’t do as much damage as social media is doing to young people. The fake ‘individualism’ that is puppet-behaviour.

And how easy is it ‘nudge’ your own behaviour? What you buy? What you accept as ‘normal’? Do you know why you live as you do? Have you examined why you think as you do? In some areas, especially when money is too tight, we have no choices. In other areas, we are making choices we never examine, perhaps never even think of as choices. The food on your table is a political act. The clothes you wear. How you manage your own bit of climate responsibility. What you watch on TV. Do you still read? There are more areas than we realise where we don’t have to play by the unspoken rules of our society - what everyone else is doing - where we really can make our own rules. And live by them. This gives us back dignity and autonomy. And small choices add up. They matter.

The push towards authoritarianism - my way or the highway - random, intentional cruelty. Move fast and break things. Arbitrary pronouncements that affect billions (think tariffs, not-tariffs, tariffs). Deportations for traffic violations, or waving a placard. Grilling academics at the borders. The never-feel-safe situation that is becoming a new-normal.

Well, how can we stop this gangland mentality from invading our own lives? Maybe we can’t. We can work against it invading our own minds, and influencing our own behaviour.

Don’t be a tyrant!

Bullying is not OK. And if we see it, or experience it, we must call it out. If we are strong personalities, or impatient types, we have to be extra-careful how we treat others. If we are leaders or teachers, we can start up debate about this, and help younger people, especially, learn that strength is not violence. Strength is not humiliating or taunting others. Strength is being strong enough to help others.

And how do we behave towards ourselves? Is your inner critic a random and cruel power-monger? Do you beat yourself up? Do you drive yourself too hard? Do you show little compassion?

When the dominant mode is worship of power - and power without responsibility - we need to push back. To be consistent. To make sense. To apply rules that have value and that deliver results. Not to humiliate. To explain. To be strong enough to live in our own way without impinging on the rights of others. Not to be quick to anger. To recognise that the stranger is not the enemy. To recognise that those who disagree with us can be heard with courtesy. Not mocked and belittled.

There’s a way to fight back and it starts with us.