I felt like I was reading about my life, reading this. About two years ago I discovered and accepted that I am very happy on my own. And I tried and tried previous to this new truth to be like others, to find my one and only, and that never came to pass. I needed to figure out a very basic thing. I figured out that I am my one and only.
My life is rich with people I love who love me back. My days and my nights are quiet and sweet, and I talk out loud to myself (and the dogs). We're all quite pleased with our existence. Huzzah! I struck gold. I had to stop being mean to myself for not being like the people who want and need the coupling. I had to stop thinking myself defective. It's very good these days. I'm 65 years old (I never thought I'd get here), and happier than I've ever been. Thank you for writing this, it's nice to know we're on our own, together! xo
This is the first comment I have ever written on Substack. Others always seem to have articulated my thoughts so well I think what’s the point in repetition. BUT yes to this and thank you Jeanette for this. So timely in my life. I have moved (10 days ago) to live on my own with my dog. This will be the first time, since my early 20s (I am 63) I have lived alone. I thought I would feel immense sadness for the things left behind, husband, big house, large garden WITH greenhouse!, people I know etc etc and yet from the first day of moving in every time I walk through the door into my tiny flat the over-riding feeling is one of relief. Relief to be able to tend to my own needs, to set my own schedules and change them and to begin the lifelong work of discovering myself. Thank you for writing this! For me :-)
This article was just what I needed. I live with my husband but am a rather solitary person. I have always felt bad about that. A few years ago my Dad drowned himself because of a bankruptcy and then I lost my job. I walk every morning in the forest with my labrador thinking about stuff. I was a quiet bookish child, very different from my parents who were both very sociable and great hosts. I have always felt bad for being a bit of a loner
Whoops I pressed send before I edited the above. I also wanted to say what a comfort reading has been throughout my life. I love your books, Jeanette. I also love George Eliot. My mother was always upset by my messy, thick, wavy hair when I was growing up. My Dad was proud of my intellectual achievements and thought I would go far. In my own story the brother and sister survive. My Dad thought I was the clever one but I maybe did not achieve my full potential. I was a barrister and then a legal translator and in a way failed at both. I am now almost 60 with 18 and 21 year old boys trying to find their way in an increasingly confusing world. I find alot of comfort in the natural world. Lucy, the labrador, keeeps me level, when I am being morose she just nudges me or rolls her eyes.
Hugs to you x. I really resonate with what you say, glad you are finding your peace in nature. I live a lot in my head and it was dragging me down, especially with all that's going on in the world. I totally see how the natural world, even just within the garden is a great antidote.
I live with my partner but like you am very solitary. I walk my dogs along the coast and through woodland, I have made a garden, I make rugs and I read and read and read. My partner accepts my solitary life and shares some of it but doesn't impose on it, it works, it is a joy - but now he has cancer, so I feel inevitably I will be completely alone, but I know I will accept this as there will be noone else like him. Thriving in the solitary is important to me now.
I am so sorry to hear about your partner. It sounds rather like the relationship I have with my husband. We both do our separate things but somehow the other one is always there in the background. Thinking of you.
Yes to finding the right shape of life to suit yourself and yes to places that support healthy lively loving community with books and benches and cats and dogs, flowers and bok choy. Places to walk and encourage trees to not give up on us and be alone in communion with our solitude or be with others, our hands in the earth or a basket of wool sharing the weird dream we had the night before while making something for the sheer joy of it. I talk to anything and everything, saying to little bowls “ you’ll be happier on this shelf I think.”And so right about seedlings, they need lots of encouraging words. Thanks for your compassionate words.
Every sentence I felt such relief. I adore my handmade life but the doubts creep in of course. This is essay is almost manifesto to me. I’ve had that idea too, of living in my own cabin among others…it does help to have neighbors…and..what you said. Sarah Fay is another who writes about living alone as a confident choice.
I love this Jeanette. Your writing has always seemed to resonate with me and I’m happy to have found out about your Substack now so I can continue reading it.
I’ve had these thoughts myself recently, as an adoptive parent of two children. Life is incredibly hard. When you decide to adopt, you have to draw a network diagram of your “support network” - the people who’ll be there if things go wrong. Who’ll hold you up.
The thing is, the diagram my wife and I drew 7+ years ago might as well have the names of strangers on it, because some of those people have never shown any interest in our children, let alone helped us with them. We’ve found our support in the fellow adoptive mum who’d never met us but was struggling just as much as we were, or in the stranger at the post office who let us go ahead of her in the queue as she could recognise just how hard it was, or the hairdresser who came out from her salon to sit with me on a bench when my son was screaming down the marketplace.
I’ve recently experienced significant burnout at work and been signed off sick. If you’d asked me three months ago who’d have my back out of all of my colleagues, I’d have given you a list of everyone who’s since ignored me completely. Maybe they’re “staying away to keep from reminding me about work” - it won’t come from a place of badness. But those who’ve reached out were unexpected. Random. In the past 6 weeks I’ve had lunch and coffee dates, involving deep conversations about trauma and mental health, with people from work who I’ve never met outside of casual hellos while making a cup of tea in the staff kitchen.
It’s remarkable how the sense of “community” shapes itself. It is almost always unexpected, and often quite lovely, but definitely needed.
Huge respect to you Beeǰ for being an adoptive parent. My daughter and husband were foster carers for a while, and I saw just how hard it was. And big hugs for the mental health difficulties you face. Keep holding on, there is hope, with the right help things will get better.
Thank you. Every day is interesting and challenging. We’re alive, and so we go on. At the moment I am enjoying the small joys and moments of inspiration.
Hello to a fellow adoptive parent! Single mum by choice, loving it, but unfortunately also signed off work right now (back problem not unconnected to a clingy 3 year old!) 🙂
Awww hi! Sorry to hear about your back - but yes, a clingy 3 year old will do that. As will a chaotic pair of 8 year olds… I’ve got back and shoulder issues too! 😬 Adoptive parenting is a unique little club to belong to, isn’t it?
Sits well with me too 👋🏻 single and in my 60’s I set up a Substack “community” as an offering to solo, independent older women facing accommodation insecurity, sharing insights & practical tips for wellbeing on the house & pet sitting trail. I’m 4 years in, also chatting to “all ears dogs” & “disinterested cats” 😂. I earn the trust of owners and pets, and in return enjoy temporary security of a roof over my head. My community of pets, plants, and owners who take off on their own adventures, continues to expand and bring fulfillment to this drifter.
“Do not whine, I write on an index card. Do not complain. Work harder. Spend more time alone.” Joan Didion - Blue Nights - while writing about grief, aging, and the death of her daughter Quintana.
The opposite is also true. We need to be alone so we can tolerate being together. And perhaps also vice versa: we need to be alone so we can be fully present when we’re together.
Wisely said. Le Guin points in this direction in a number of her works, and one of the most resonant is the extended family/clan living space called a ‘hearth’. If our socioeconomic and cultural systems could be tuned otherwise to better support clan-sized communities of both blood and intention, our lives would (hopefully) be happier, more grounded. There’s a whole ocean of theorising one could make on this, but I think the yearning for it is probably found in the deep dislocation of the Industrial Revolution.
I’ve had much the same dream that also involves a modest lake, a shared rowboat and a little private garden attached to each cottage in addition to a shared vegetable patch.
Yes to this! I recognise myself in this, even though from the outside looking in I am in a conventional partnered situation. But the fundamental need for both alone time and community resonates deeply.
I’ve never read anything that explains more and blames less. Thank you.
I felt like I was reading about my life, reading this. About two years ago I discovered and accepted that I am very happy on my own. And I tried and tried previous to this new truth to be like others, to find my one and only, and that never came to pass. I needed to figure out a very basic thing. I figured out that I am my one and only.
My life is rich with people I love who love me back. My days and my nights are quiet and sweet, and I talk out loud to myself (and the dogs). We're all quite pleased with our existence. Huzzah! I struck gold. I had to stop being mean to myself for not being like the people who want and need the coupling. I had to stop thinking myself defective. It's very good these days. I'm 65 years old (I never thought I'd get here), and happier than I've ever been. Thank you for writing this, it's nice to know we're on our own, together! xo
This is the first comment I have ever written on Substack. Others always seem to have articulated my thoughts so well I think what’s the point in repetition. BUT yes to this and thank you Jeanette for this. So timely in my life. I have moved (10 days ago) to live on my own with my dog. This will be the first time, since my early 20s (I am 63) I have lived alone. I thought I would feel immense sadness for the things left behind, husband, big house, large garden WITH greenhouse!, people I know etc etc and yet from the first day of moving in every time I walk through the door into my tiny flat the over-riding feeling is one of relief. Relief to be able to tend to my own needs, to set my own schedules and change them and to begin the lifelong work of discovering myself. Thank you for writing this! For me :-)
Enjoy your new life! I'm enjoying the comments as much as the article. She has really touched a nerve!
This article was just what I needed. I live with my husband but am a rather solitary person. I have always felt bad about that. A few years ago my Dad drowned himself because of a bankruptcy and then I lost my job. I walk every morning in the forest with my labrador thinking about stuff. I was a quiet bookish child, very different from my parents who were both very sociable and great hosts. I have always felt bad for being a bit of a loner
Whoops I pressed send before I edited the above. I also wanted to say what a comfort reading has been throughout my life. I love your books, Jeanette. I also love George Eliot. My mother was always upset by my messy, thick, wavy hair when I was growing up. My Dad was proud of my intellectual achievements and thought I would go far. In my own story the brother and sister survive. My Dad thought I was the clever one but I maybe did not achieve my full potential. I was a barrister and then a legal translator and in a way failed at both. I am now almost 60 with 18 and 21 year old boys trying to find their way in an increasingly confusing world. I find alot of comfort in the natural world. Lucy, the labrador, keeeps me level, when I am being morose she just nudges me or rolls her eyes.
Hugs to you x. I really resonate with what you say, glad you are finding your peace in nature. I live a lot in my head and it was dragging me down, especially with all that's going on in the world. I totally see how the natural world, even just within the garden is a great antidote.
I live with my partner but like you am very solitary. I walk my dogs along the coast and through woodland, I have made a garden, I make rugs and I read and read and read. My partner accepts my solitary life and shares some of it but doesn't impose on it, it works, it is a joy - but now he has cancer, so I feel inevitably I will be completely alone, but I know I will accept this as there will be noone else like him. Thriving in the solitary is important to me now.
I am so sorry to hear about your partner. It sounds rather like the relationship I have with my husband. We both do our separate things but somehow the other one is always there in the background. Thinking of you.
I’m so sorry to hear about your Dad and your job 😔 I’m happy to hear that you have the consolations of the forest and your canine friend. 🌳🌳🌳
Thank you for your kind message. I like this online community.
Me too!
Yes to finding the right shape of life to suit yourself and yes to places that support healthy lively loving community with books and benches and cats and dogs, flowers and bok choy. Places to walk and encourage trees to not give up on us and be alone in communion with our solitude or be with others, our hands in the earth or a basket of wool sharing the weird dream we had the night before while making something for the sheer joy of it. I talk to anything and everything, saying to little bowls “ you’ll be happier on this shelf I think.”And so right about seedlings, they need lots of encouraging words. Thanks for your compassionate words.
“encourage trees to not give up on us” 💚
Love this especially the little bowls bit!
Some one else who talks to. their china, Hurray I thought it was just me!
Every sentence I felt such relief. I adore my handmade life but the doubts creep in of course. This is essay is almost manifesto to me. I’ve had that idea too, of living in my own cabin among others…it does help to have neighbors…and..what you said. Sarah Fay is another who writes about living alone as a confident choice.
I love this Jeanette. Your writing has always seemed to resonate with me and I’m happy to have found out about your Substack now so I can continue reading it.
I’ve had these thoughts myself recently, as an adoptive parent of two children. Life is incredibly hard. When you decide to adopt, you have to draw a network diagram of your “support network” - the people who’ll be there if things go wrong. Who’ll hold you up.
The thing is, the diagram my wife and I drew 7+ years ago might as well have the names of strangers on it, because some of those people have never shown any interest in our children, let alone helped us with them. We’ve found our support in the fellow adoptive mum who’d never met us but was struggling just as much as we were, or in the stranger at the post office who let us go ahead of her in the queue as she could recognise just how hard it was, or the hairdresser who came out from her salon to sit with me on a bench when my son was screaming down the marketplace.
I’ve recently experienced significant burnout at work and been signed off sick. If you’d asked me three months ago who’d have my back out of all of my colleagues, I’d have given you a list of everyone who’s since ignored me completely. Maybe they’re “staying away to keep from reminding me about work” - it won’t come from a place of badness. But those who’ve reached out were unexpected. Random. In the past 6 weeks I’ve had lunch and coffee dates, involving deep conversations about trauma and mental health, with people from work who I’ve never met outside of casual hellos while making a cup of tea in the staff kitchen.
It’s remarkable how the sense of “community” shapes itself. It is almost always unexpected, and often quite lovely, but definitely needed.
Huge respect to you Beeǰ for being an adoptive parent. My daughter and husband were foster carers for a while, and I saw just how hard it was. And big hugs for the mental health difficulties you face. Keep holding on, there is hope, with the right help things will get better.
Thank you. Every day is interesting and challenging. We’re alive, and so we go on. At the moment I am enjoying the small joys and moments of inspiration.
Hello to a fellow adoptive parent! Single mum by choice, loving it, but unfortunately also signed off work right now (back problem not unconnected to a clingy 3 year old!) 🙂
Awww hi! Sorry to hear about your back - but yes, a clingy 3 year old will do that. As will a chaotic pair of 8 year olds… I’ve got back and shoulder issues too! 😬 Adoptive parenting is a unique little club to belong to, isn’t it?
Sits well with me too 👋🏻 single and in my 60’s I set up a Substack “community” as an offering to solo, independent older women facing accommodation insecurity, sharing insights & practical tips for wellbeing on the house & pet sitting trail. I’m 4 years in, also chatting to “all ears dogs” & “disinterested cats” 😂. I earn the trust of owners and pets, and in return enjoy temporary security of a roof over my head. My community of pets, plants, and owners who take off on their own adventures, continues to expand and bring fulfillment to this drifter.
I love my solitude immensely. It allows me to be creative, healthy, and mistress of myself.
“Do not whine, I write on an index card. Do not complain. Work harder. Spend more time alone.” Joan Didion - Blue Nights - while writing about grief, aging, and the death of her daughter Quintana.
The opposite is also true. We need to be alone so we can tolerate being together. And perhaps also vice versa: we need to be alone so we can be fully present when we’re together.
This!!! This is me. I must take space to recharge after being with people 💕
Thank you Jeanette. This is special!
Wisely said. Le Guin points in this direction in a number of her works, and one of the most resonant is the extended family/clan living space called a ‘hearth’. If our socioeconomic and cultural systems could be tuned otherwise to better support clan-sized communities of both blood and intention, our lives would (hopefully) be happier, more grounded. There’s a whole ocean of theorising one could make on this, but I think the yearning for it is probably found in the deep dislocation of the Industrial Revolution.
I’ve had much the same dream that also involves a modest lake, a shared rowboat and a little private garden attached to each cottage in addition to a shared vegetable patch.
Fully recognise all of this.
Always seen as the weirdo who prefers her own company.
Comments like “Anti-social, as ever”, because I was reading a book in the pub instead of hanging around the bar with others.
Difficult, when younger, but I paddle my own canoe now (at least in my mind).
I have a sizeable responsibility for an older and ill partner these days but find my own peace in my head.
Eventually, I’ll be physically alone. That will be both horribly sad and a release, in equal measure.
How many of us waste our healthier years trying to fit in and not appear odd?
I suspect that number is a large one.
Thank you, Jeanette. On we all go!
Yes to this! I recognise myself in this, even though from the outside looking in I am in a conventional partnered situation. But the fundamental need for both alone time and community resonates deeply.