Thank you, Jeanette! So many things to unpack here. One of the reasons I distanced myself from Catholicism and became a “broken-hearted Catholic” as Pasolini used to say, is because of the insistence on literal interpretations (among other things). The quest for deeper understanding seems to stop immediately at the surface. Nonetheless, the stories are deeply meaningful.
I also began reading about Jewish mysticism and the multiple layers of interpretation that follow Biblical texts. Elaine Pagels’ work on the Gnostic gospels, esp. the Gospel of Thomas, left a profound impact on me. One saying from the Gospel of Thomas resonates here, after reading your message: “If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.”
I also left home at 16 - it felt necessary for me in order to thrive. I am not sure what I sacrificed - belonging, I suppose, but I didn’t want to belong to the future Dad offered. Returning 12 years later felt harder.
I’ve recently left a long marriage and the family home - though staying wasn’t an option (a mutually agreed leaving). I do mourn the security of the illusion of belonging somewhere (and I was very sad to leave the garden) but sacrifice implies loss (does it?) and I feel I have more to gain by leaving.
I don’t think I would have been willing to sacrifice my relationship with my children, not for all the self-actualisation in the world. Though I am not a v maternal person I don’t ever want them to feel the pain of parental rejection.
as an adoptee and also a first mother who had my only child abducted when i was 15, having my most profound experiences of life as being sacrificed and sacrificing by my significant others - extensions of my own body - hasn't brought a better future, resurrection, or spiritual renewal. its brought a life edged with grief and trauma; of not thriving as an intelligent educated women could because some of the basic biological components of safety and security haven't linked up in my lizard brain; of always being hypervigilent; of assuming the worst; waiting for the next abandonment. I can of course say in that very wellness way - oh its up to me to not abandon myself, but those 'fear of dying' micro responses are not touched by cbt or a little 'act as if' Its a lifetime of hard work, and, while at 66 im a privileged to be alive as most of the planets peoples don't get to live till this age - its joy is always stained with loss and sorrow.
Oh, Melinda, I'm so sorry. That is a lot to overcome! And yes, I would be hypervigilant, too. I already lean that way without half of what you've been through! And now the country seems to be responding by creating a culture that gives me more reasons to be hypervigilant. I have found my way into relationships with the ancestors. (I use the term broadly to include all unseen beings or even seen but other-than-human, such as the trees and plants.) I find comfort with them. And I'm lucky to have a supportive family and many friends. I hope the same is true for you. But this life! Sometimes I think we have it mixed up. We are the dead. We will come alive on the other side!
Kathleen thank you, I am a tree hugger and a beach walker and need that connection to ground, regulate and function in our globalised chaos. I totally feel for anyone living close to the epicenter, who has an ounce of discernment or spirituality, but the waves of insanity from all those rocks being thrown reach around the planet.
That’s tough Melinda. I also have ptsd and the worst is those micro’ fear of dying’ times.. but yes sometimes we need the death nudge to make changes.. if you go to Mary Oliver… below is a link to Catherine someone who just posted a v clear ‘ living compassion ‘ meditation. I think I’ll try it. This practice has ancient roots… and works on love the ultimate security I’m thinking. Thanks for your comment.
thanks Kathleen- yes spiritual practice has probably saved my life, - not religion - acting as if i have faith that all will be ok no matter what my lizard brain is screaming ! and i am sold on compassionate meditation- so good to let go of those resentments clogging up thoughts and feelings !
Stunning piece—thank you. I needed to read this this morning, as I consider the life I have given up to care for a severely mentally ill, endlessly cruel elderly mother with NPD.
I shared this essay with a friend who lost her husband recently. Your story resonates with my fleeing Argentina for England when I was the same age as you when you left home, and we ran from the junta for our lives in those days, though most people abroad cared nothing about Latin American politics then.
Thank you for this, Jeanette. I have passed it on to my husband. There are several threads in it that relate to some discussions we have had recently. We are in our 70s and need to leave the home we created together for something more manageable. I think he will grieve more than me. Also our daughter-in-law is a C of E rector. We both love her, but I understand the emotional currents running through her decision to take this path in a way my husband doesn't. His only childhood connection with Christianity was school assemblies. I was brought up by a devout Christian mother, and my childhood imagination took me deeply into the stories and metaphors, but I left when I was 16. I was witnessing a kind of gap between the way the church and so-called believers behaved and what I thought Jesus actually taught. I (and my husband) have been Buddhists now for most of our adult lives. But I do feel the emotional currents still, without any concrete or reductionist beliefs.
I live with a man who is gentle and willing to cry in sad movies and openly in public when something touches him. I am so fortunate for somehow this was part of his family understanding of a complete man.
This is the post I have been waiting for you to write and the one I have been waiting to read. Thank you so much, such an important message, that sacrifice and renewal are intimate partners in our growth, that renewal has its price (and there are no discounts or BOGOFs for the things that truly matter) and so sacrifice is (must be?) an act of will demanding courage and commitment. Much love to you (and please stop ironing the sheets!!) 🐣🐰🌷🌞⭐
I refused to be the sacrifice which is how I’m alive. I was born and raised in a cult that I fled at 15. Your writing has meant so much to me for so long. Thank you.
Loved reading this on Easter Sunday morning, thank you. As an adoptee, I often don't believe I will return. I'm away at the moment and left the house in complete mummified order.
I never really realised how much of a sacrifice it was to leave my country, family and friends and move to Mexico, until I realised that leaving Mexico now would be just as much a sacrifice. I know I am in the right place right now, and that's a good feeling.
Thank you, Jeanette, for making me think and realise. I think your essay is superb.
Thank you, Jeanette! So many things to unpack here. One of the reasons I distanced myself from Catholicism and became a “broken-hearted Catholic” as Pasolini used to say, is because of the insistence on literal interpretations (among other things). The quest for deeper understanding seems to stop immediately at the surface. Nonetheless, the stories are deeply meaningful.
I also began reading about Jewish mysticism and the multiple layers of interpretation that follow Biblical texts. Elaine Pagels’ work on the Gnostic gospels, esp. the Gospel of Thomas, left a profound impact on me. One saying from the Gospel of Thomas resonates here, after reading your message: “If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.”
Ivana, thank you for sharing, that’s really touched me too; and inspired me… I’m off to learn more!
God, i love this woman's words.
I also left home at 16 - it felt necessary for me in order to thrive. I am not sure what I sacrificed - belonging, I suppose, but I didn’t want to belong to the future Dad offered. Returning 12 years later felt harder.
I’ve recently left a long marriage and the family home - though staying wasn’t an option (a mutually agreed leaving). I do mourn the security of the illusion of belonging somewhere (and I was very sad to leave the garden) but sacrifice implies loss (does it?) and I feel I have more to gain by leaving.
I don’t think I would have been willing to sacrifice my relationship with my children, not for all the self-actualisation in the world. Though I am not a v maternal person I don’t ever want them to feel the pain of parental rejection.
Thank you for making me think about it
as an adoptee and also a first mother who had my only child abducted when i was 15, having my most profound experiences of life as being sacrificed and sacrificing by my significant others - extensions of my own body - hasn't brought a better future, resurrection, or spiritual renewal. its brought a life edged with grief and trauma; of not thriving as an intelligent educated women could because some of the basic biological components of safety and security haven't linked up in my lizard brain; of always being hypervigilent; of assuming the worst; waiting for the next abandonment. I can of course say in that very wellness way - oh its up to me to not abandon myself, but those 'fear of dying' micro responses are not touched by cbt or a little 'act as if' Its a lifetime of hard work, and, while at 66 im a privileged to be alive as most of the planets peoples don't get to live till this age - its joy is always stained with loss and sorrow.
Oh, Melinda, I'm so sorry. That is a lot to overcome! And yes, I would be hypervigilant, too. I already lean that way without half of what you've been through! And now the country seems to be responding by creating a culture that gives me more reasons to be hypervigilant. I have found my way into relationships with the ancestors. (I use the term broadly to include all unseen beings or even seen but other-than-human, such as the trees and plants.) I find comfort with them. And I'm lucky to have a supportive family and many friends. I hope the same is true for you. But this life! Sometimes I think we have it mixed up. We are the dead. We will come alive on the other side!
Kathleen thank you, I am a tree hugger and a beach walker and need that connection to ground, regulate and function in our globalised chaos. I totally feel for anyone living close to the epicenter, who has an ounce of discernment or spirituality, but the waves of insanity from all those rocks being thrown reach around the planet.
That’s tough Melinda. I also have ptsd and the worst is those micro’ fear of dying’ times.. but yes sometimes we need the death nudge to make changes.. if you go to Mary Oliver… below is a link to Catherine someone who just posted a v clear ‘ living compassion ‘ meditation. I think I’ll try it. This practice has ancient roots… and works on love the ultimate security I’m thinking. Thanks for your comment.
thanks Kathleen- yes spiritual practice has probably saved my life, - not religion - acting as if i have faith that all will be ok no matter what my lizard brain is screaming ! and i am sold on compassionate meditation- so good to let go of those resentments clogging up thoughts and feelings !
Stunning piece—thank you. I needed to read this this morning, as I consider the life I have given up to care for a severely mentally ill, endlessly cruel elderly mother with NPD.
Hang in there.
I shared this essay with a friend who lost her husband recently. Your story resonates with my fleeing Argentina for England when I was the same age as you when you left home, and we ran from the junta for our lives in those days, though most people abroad cared nothing about Latin American politics then.
Thank you for this, Jeanette. I have passed it on to my husband. There are several threads in it that relate to some discussions we have had recently. We are in our 70s and need to leave the home we created together for something more manageable. I think he will grieve more than me. Also our daughter-in-law is a C of E rector. We both love her, but I understand the emotional currents running through her decision to take this path in a way my husband doesn't. His only childhood connection with Christianity was school assemblies. I was brought up by a devout Christian mother, and my childhood imagination took me deeply into the stories and metaphors, but I left when I was 16. I was witnessing a kind of gap between the way the church and so-called believers behaved and what I thought Jesus actually taught. I (and my husband) have been Buddhists now for most of our adult lives. But I do feel the emotional currents still, without any concrete or reductionist beliefs.
I live with a man who is gentle and willing to cry in sad movies and openly in public when something touches him. I am so fortunate for somehow this was part of his family understanding of a complete man.
Jeanette, I look forward to your writing every week. You make me think deeply. Thank you for being here, I appreciate you ☺️
This is the post I have been waiting for you to write and the one I have been waiting to read. Thank you so much, such an important message, that sacrifice and renewal are intimate partners in our growth, that renewal has its price (and there are no discounts or BOGOFs for the things that truly matter) and so sacrifice is (must be?) an act of will demanding courage and commitment. Much love to you (and please stop ironing the sheets!!) 🐣🐰🌷🌞⭐
there is a wonderful poem by Mary Oliver called the Journey
https://hellopoetry.com/poem/5249/the-journey/
it is a concise version of the many themes in this essay - please read
I refused to be the sacrifice which is how I’m alive. I was born and raised in a cult that I fled at 15. Your writing has meant so much to me for so long. Thank you.
Loved reading this on Easter Sunday morning, thank you. As an adoptee, I often don't believe I will return. I'm away at the moment and left the house in complete mummified order.
Thank you. Everybody has a right to plant their seed on earth.
In a garden? In a woman? In a mind? How so?
‘What if the sacrifice is to refuse to be the sacrifice?’ Thank you for these words.
I never really realised how much of a sacrifice it was to leave my country, family and friends and move to Mexico, until I realised that leaving Mexico now would be just as much a sacrifice. I know I am in the right place right now, and that's a good feeling.
Thank you, Jeanette, for making me think and realise. I think your essay is superb.