Love this piece 🧡 I did want to point out that the true meaning of yoga is not what it is often portrayed as. It’s deepest meaning is “yoke” or “union” of all parts of one’s self. It can be whatever practice quiets one’s habituated mind enough to allow one to expand into acceptance of all parts - the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. So, in a way, I would suggest that rather than saying you are not doing yoga, this article shows that you are doing it quite well ;)
Hi Jeanette, how much I liked your advice. And yes, last night before the dream will dominate me, I had those moments of thinking that I should accept as good for a beginning of friendship with a friend, or where I should put my limits so that it does not turn into anxiety and restlessness.
Thought you might be writing another substack soon JW,... and yep, here it is! And yes your words are very wise. No, we shouldn't try to force ourselves into something we're not. There's so much pressure on us to conform to a stereotype. Especially for women, but also for men too. If you're a woman you're expected to look and behave a certain way, and all the fashion industry, cosmetics, dieting industry etc is geared up to exploiting our feelings of inadequacy. It's the foundation of all those women's magazines (and sometimes men's): "look" they say, "you can improve yourself. You can be all this!" Whereas what they're really telling you is that you aren't good enough. It's the bedrock of capitalism, it's how they convince us to buy "stuff", and keep on buying "stuff". You need a house / bigger house, a better car, more furniture, more exotic holidays...
For myself, I was never going to turn into a "girly" girl, and so was in many ways a disappointment to my parents. You were supposed to be thin + glamorous, and not speak out or have opinions, rather like a Cindy doll. I was having none of it. On my 6th birthday they bought me a special dress, all ruffles and frills. Because it was so expensive I was made to wear it afterwards. I hated it. As I grew older I'd spend all my time out playing with the local boys. Girls used to bore me, already they were behaving and dressing as girls were expected to be. My Mum put her foot down at one point and to my utter horror I found I was being driven to a ballet class - full of young girls swanning about, complete with formidable matron and a clanging piano... My Dad spoke up for me then + I was reprieved, we drove home again without stepping foot inside.
I discovered I loved playing football with the boys, which in those days was tantamount to going about with a big placard on you declaring "I am gay!" in big letters, which in itself was regarded everywhere as a dreadful sin, and even worse for me as I wasn't even gay. It all sounds so ridiculous now.
As I grew older the pressure to conform was everywhere, you needed to be a "success", which meant getting great grades, getting a brilliant job, husband, 2.4 kids, big house... AND act and appear as a young woman was expected to be. It's hard to bear the shame when you're a young kid, especially from your parents. By my later teens I was hitting the bottle. And things only really improved when I left home and could put it all into some sort of perspective.
What you have to remember is that other peoples' opinions and expectations of you are usually based on their own flawed values, and that no one has the right to own you or dictate how you should behave. And yes, you only really come to accept yourself by learning to love yourself. And that can take a long time, especially if your self-esteem has been shattered by those around you, as well wider society.
And still there is constant pressure by society to "improve" ourselves, to keep spending. But what I've learnt over the years is that what really matters is how you treat others, whether you speak up for those less fortunate than yourself, whether you can spread love and kindness to others, whether you can change things for the better. Those are the really important things in life, not whether we're successful or can live + behave like the stereotypical woman (or man).
And yes it's good idea to reflect, to listen to advice + try to improve when we haven't handled things very well. But it's also fine to be happy as you are, without trying to improve all the time. As long as you stick to your principles, or in old English parlance "Be a good Christian" (+ I'm not religious), I don't think you can go far wrong. Life is a struggle for many of us, so don't worry about endless self-improvement, just stand by your values + the rest is for you to own, if you want to. Remember, it's your life, not anyone else's.
I've been thinking a lot about change today and made some notes for next blog post about whether humans can ever really change, anyway. Even if we seem outwardly or nominally to have changed, I think we are likely to be pursuing this new version of ourselves in the same spirit we did with theast version. So we can swing between loves and religions and obsessions if we are susceptible to them, or find a new gripe, or fad, or creative pursuit but it's still really the same you powering it. And yes anyway I think we are taught this narrative of change and we embody it and enact it when we could just be free to be our same old, loved as we are, self.
I'm one of those Geminis who always has a new obsession and new look etc. so staying the same means staying changeable. I love new things but always adore people who know themselves so well and say loyal to fixed things. Thank you! X
That bit about the limits of always trying to change yourself! Love it. Working on nurturing the bits that you’re good at or proud of. That’s my focus for the year. Thank you for sharing this. It’s wonderful.
Loving ones own self is difficult if it doesn't come naturally from childhood. One can certainly understand the theory of it, but maintaining balance is difficult, especially if one was brought up to self-hate. Just is. But pieces like this help.
I agree with you . It’s a bloody lifetime’s work , but it’s work we must do and every time we swing ourselves up in the air with pleasure or just sit down content at the end of a long day , we have made things better inside and out. Love is incremental
>> There’s been a lot in the press lately about coercive control. About intimate partners who tell us how to behave, how to dress, how to be. Sometimes, it’s not a lover; it’s a boss, or even one of our children. Sometimes it’s a ‘know better’ friend.
And sometimes it's the press itself, or the government itself.
Love this piece 🧡 I did want to point out that the true meaning of yoga is not what it is often portrayed as. It’s deepest meaning is “yoke” or “union” of all parts of one’s self. It can be whatever practice quiets one’s habituated mind enough to allow one to expand into acceptance of all parts - the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. So, in a way, I would suggest that rather than saying you are not doing yoga, this article shows that you are doing it quite well ;)
That’s hilarious! I am so happy! Thank you !
LOL My pleasure 🙏🏼🧡🙏🏼
Hi Jeanette, how much I liked your advice. And yes, last night before the dream will dominate me, I had those moments of thinking that I should accept as good for a beginning of friendship with a friend, or where I should put my limits so that it does not turn into anxiety and restlessness.
Thanks . Ana
Thought you might be writing another substack soon JW,... and yep, here it is! And yes your words are very wise. No, we shouldn't try to force ourselves into something we're not. There's so much pressure on us to conform to a stereotype. Especially for women, but also for men too. If you're a woman you're expected to look and behave a certain way, and all the fashion industry, cosmetics, dieting industry etc is geared up to exploiting our feelings of inadequacy. It's the foundation of all those women's magazines (and sometimes men's): "look" they say, "you can improve yourself. You can be all this!" Whereas what they're really telling you is that you aren't good enough. It's the bedrock of capitalism, it's how they convince us to buy "stuff", and keep on buying "stuff". You need a house / bigger house, a better car, more furniture, more exotic holidays...
For myself, I was never going to turn into a "girly" girl, and so was in many ways a disappointment to my parents. You were supposed to be thin + glamorous, and not speak out or have opinions, rather like a Cindy doll. I was having none of it. On my 6th birthday they bought me a special dress, all ruffles and frills. Because it was so expensive I was made to wear it afterwards. I hated it. As I grew older I'd spend all my time out playing with the local boys. Girls used to bore me, already they were behaving and dressing as girls were expected to be. My Mum put her foot down at one point and to my utter horror I found I was being driven to a ballet class - full of young girls swanning about, complete with formidable matron and a clanging piano... My Dad spoke up for me then + I was reprieved, we drove home again without stepping foot inside.
I discovered I loved playing football with the boys, which in those days was tantamount to going about with a big placard on you declaring "I am gay!" in big letters, which in itself was regarded everywhere as a dreadful sin, and even worse for me as I wasn't even gay. It all sounds so ridiculous now.
As I grew older the pressure to conform was everywhere, you needed to be a "success", which meant getting great grades, getting a brilliant job, husband, 2.4 kids, big house... AND act and appear as a young woman was expected to be. It's hard to bear the shame when you're a young kid, especially from your parents. By my later teens I was hitting the bottle. And things only really improved when I left home and could put it all into some sort of perspective.
What you have to remember is that other peoples' opinions and expectations of you are usually based on their own flawed values, and that no one has the right to own you or dictate how you should behave. And yes, you only really come to accept yourself by learning to love yourself. And that can take a long time, especially if your self-esteem has been shattered by those around you, as well wider society.
And still there is constant pressure by society to "improve" ourselves, to keep spending. But what I've learnt over the years is that what really matters is how you treat others, whether you speak up for those less fortunate than yourself, whether you can spread love and kindness to others, whether you can change things for the better. Those are the really important things in life, not whether we're successful or can live + behave like the stereotypical woman (or man).
And yes it's good idea to reflect, to listen to advice + try to improve when we haven't handled things very well. But it's also fine to be happy as you are, without trying to improve all the time. As long as you stick to your principles, or in old English parlance "Be a good Christian" (+ I'm not religious), I don't think you can go far wrong. Life is a struggle for many of us, so don't worry about endless self-improvement, just stand by your values + the rest is for you to own, if you want to. Remember, it's your life, not anyone else's.
This is so wise. Thank you! Happy New Year!
I've been thinking a lot about change today and made some notes for next blog post about whether humans can ever really change, anyway. Even if we seem outwardly or nominally to have changed, I think we are likely to be pursuing this new version of ourselves in the same spirit we did with theast version. So we can swing between loves and religions and obsessions if we are susceptible to them, or find a new gripe, or fad, or creative pursuit but it's still really the same you powering it. And yes anyway I think we are taught this narrative of change and we embody it and enact it when we could just be free to be our same old, loved as we are, self.
I'm one of those Geminis who always has a new obsession and new look etc. so staying the same means staying changeable. I love new things but always adore people who know themselves so well and say loyal to fixed things. Thank you! X
That bit about the limits of always trying to change yourself! Love it. Working on nurturing the bits that you’re good at or proud of. That’s my focus for the year. Thank you for sharing this. It’s wonderful.
Thank you, Jeanette. Wonderful piece.
Loving ones own self is difficult if it doesn't come naturally from childhood. One can certainly understand the theory of it, but maintaining balance is difficult, especially if one was brought up to self-hate. Just is. But pieces like this help.
Thank you jeanette,
Happy New year too
Thomas
I agree with you . It’s a bloody lifetime’s work , but it’s work we must do and every time we swing ourselves up in the air with pleasure or just sit down content at the end of a long day , we have made things better inside and out. Love is incremental
>> There’s been a lot in the press lately about coercive control. About intimate partners who tell us how to behave, how to dress, how to be. Sometimes, it’s not a lover; it’s a boss, or even one of our children. Sometimes it’s a ‘know better’ friend.
And sometimes it's the press itself, or the government itself.